Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
