i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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