You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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