I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
