hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
