You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She's the barista slut.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
This is my gift to your gina
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
