if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
3 2 1 whiskey
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
