i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
