On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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