Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
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dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
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She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize