There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
