Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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