take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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