what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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