did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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