i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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