Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize