I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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