He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
