The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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