it was like his penis was on wheels.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
