she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
