I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
