Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
