What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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