i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
