I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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