Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Green mimosas i think yes
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
