You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
