made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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