Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
