I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
