Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
