my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
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I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
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Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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