i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
you're hired as official boob wrangler
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
