Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
