he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize
