I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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