i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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