If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
