Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
