It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
