lets start a swedish sibling band together
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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