My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
