FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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