I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
