I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
