you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Found your dick twin last night
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
