also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
