I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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