You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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