i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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