the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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