that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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